well I can't set my house on fire every night
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
