Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
did i just pee glitter
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