OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
