no, he came in my armpit
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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