The maid of honor just puked.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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