Kiss
Puke
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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