All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
