At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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