My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
