so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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