there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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