Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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