I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
