The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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