GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize