hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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