I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
