I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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