Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize