Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize