i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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