My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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