I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
