Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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