i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
