I just cut my nipple shaving
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
