He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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