If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
