The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
