Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize