I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
