my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize