just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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