just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
