your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
