mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
