She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the day after is always just damage control
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize