dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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