I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
