I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
