I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
