I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
