I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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