There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
