and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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