she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
