Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
