im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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