someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
