Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Vodka?
Forever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
