9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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