So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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