there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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