It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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