I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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