I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
